Ironic…

I think that all people are special… They just have to know… They only need to believe…

Some are lucky enough to find themselves fitting into something that makes them complete… Until that time comes, people need something to believe in… Someone to fill in… Breathe for them when they just can’t…. Someone who’s heart can beat for them… Along this melancholic tune….

Others? They simply got tired of trying… or maybe? They didn’t have the courage or strength to pursue it… Other reasons? Maybe they didn’t like what they are seeing… What fate has in store for them…

Sometimes… It’s a funny thought that we expect of something else… Sometimes we tend to put our expectations in a box… Only looking at one side and never at the other and deciding for ourselves that the other is not for us…

Then we end up missing everything… losing everything… never knowing… never conceding that we lost something along the way… Truth is we let them go…. And we gave up long before we knew…

Just a funny way to capture all the things that’s going on…

all over again?

Don’t you just wish that you can do things all over again just when they start feeling wrong? Well, I for one, I’d say that I would want to try. Why won’t we give it a shot right? Who knows what kind of life we would have had if we had taken another choice, gotten to another bus or even lived a different time?

I’ve had series of mistakes then and until now. I have had my life upside down taking chances in all those years. It was all I think I have. Just chances…. But I’m just glad I did. I’m exactly where I’m at right now because of those chances. And more so, they are not just chances anymore… They’re more than that. They’re my choices. Choices I had to make then. Choices I have to stand for. Clearly, they make up for my past, my present and my future.

Instead of thinking of taking another flight… starting a new life… maybe chasing another dream from your universe of endless possibilities, why not continue the story and write where you’ve last wrote. Why put to waste those years that came to pass? Why the need for another when you already have one? It’s like looking always at the other side… maybe even better than what you have right now. But then again… it’s your chances…. A decision. And more than these… this is exactly where what’s at stake are all those decisions you’ve made in the past… all the chances you’ve taken… all those years that you’ve stood for. Or maybe, you feel that all those reasons and even everything were never worth of everything you did?

Well, for all their worth, maybe it’s worth a try. But sometimes, sailing on a ship takes more of that time than what we actually needed. Oftentimes, it shows to us another picture. Exactly what we have in mind. But then, sometimes, we need to go where the sun sets, too. Its not just sunrise and daylights. Maybe we’d have to put up for long nights and maybe let those chances fly by. Coz if we did, maybe we won’t be seeing some stars for tonight but just the clear blue sky and the sun hiding all these stars that could have shown brightest during the darkest of the nights.

When we get to that point that we need to grow up? We simply cut on those dreams we have when we were younger. Why? Because when we grow up, our world and our horizon grows, too. It expands that we see not just ourselves anymore but all the people that nurtured you to grow right where you are right now. The choices we made then include all these people we have right now. And it’s no longer my dream but our dream.

At times, we also must take the passenger seat or even the back seat and let the young ones take control. They have possibilities and dreams overflowing. And it’s that time when we sat behind and watch their back. Sometimes, the astounding colors of the rainbow blind them that they no longer see what’s behind. And that’s where a new story begins. It’s not only about the main characters now but it includes every person behind every success of another. You’ve had your story of success. It’s only up to you to see it that way and define it as you right now. This time around? Why don’t we try playing another role and be that story behind another.

Just a nagging thought…

Just a while ago, I asked one of my officemates that goes by the name Ojik where we’ll be having our lunch for today… And funny but she went on to say, “you decide”… And I wonder why… Got me to this blogging mode… forgive me for such shallow idea or thought as you might find it to be…. But isn’t it that meaning sometimes are not on how shallow or deep an idea is… I remember a Father’s day Message I gave my father when I was only around 13 or 14 years old (i gave it indirectly through the newspaper, though, and I guess he failed to see it). The message said:
“You taught me little things in life but in them grew the greatest things that ever happened to me.”

Now, how is that related to what i just said a while back… Its for you to figure out…

Going back to how this blog post came to realization… The thought that for quite sometime, we’ve been having problems when it comes to deciding seeps through me… I looked back 2 years ago and saw ourselves then not having to think about this… We just have the impulse then that “hey, its lunch time, off to jollibee we go” or “we had jollibee yesterday, then its mcdo for today” or “i’m bored with burgers and chickens, maybe we should try some other restaurants”…

Why really? Maybe some shallow things grew deeper that its no longer about you or me but rather its all about us now… That there’s a bigger world out there waiting… Not to be conquered but rather understood…

And yes, we’ve grown a year (or more) older than before… Now, we’re considering where do the others want to go… what do they want to eat…. Its already “enough of ourselves but more of them”…

They say its a battle, but, how to win it? I guess all of us by the time we were born knew… Just how a child can be so curious about everything until such time that he/she eventually learns how to make use of everything to its advantage and development… Got the keyword? Yes you just did… What I’m trying to say is that we need to understand things… And there are lots and tons of ‘em… Abounding even beyond… And i bet even a lifetime won’t be close to being enough to understand everything… But there goes the idea, too, that its not for us to understand everything but rather only those that is for us to know at this moment…. at this age… Moreover, mysteries and questions are all worth it…

Just want to share a quote from the “Hannah Montana Movie” I was able to watch last weekend. It goes:

“Life is a climb… But the view is great”

I’ll try blogging about it next time… Just right now, I’m loving the entire experience…

Right time…

I just don’t know what to write about for tonight… I just thought that maybe I should do something worth this 9:16pm buzz… Maybe jotting down some words would eventually lead later on to having some good stuff into whatever thought or idea I’d come up with…. I’d love to get lost to all these words playing in my head… resonating through my chest and eventually playing through my senses… and I love that feeling…. That rare thing of finding yourself immersed in that thing that simply empties your entire existence until such time that you feel like a single ripple in a vast ocean of pure intoxicating fantasy… the intensity is as exhilarating as singing your first song or writing your very first love letter… Until all these daydreaming is wash ashore… Only until then would you be able to go back to reality… Well, if you could at least go on for more of that dive… Maybe you would… you’d love to… But then, they are never meant to replace reality… But rather just a few minutes to give you time to breathe… A time to care for yourself… To mend the wounds… to relinquish those scars to yesterdays… To free those songs you once sang but keeping the melody to yourself until such time that you might need it… We let go of the words but we keep their meaning… Maybe these meaning would eventually lead to more of yourselves until that frolicking tomorrows…

Now, when reality creeps to grab a piece of your soul, give it another ride… Take every meaning you have… Go on to where the wind blows…. Fight it whenever you have to… How you do it? Sometimes there are things that we really don’t have to ask…. Sometimes, asking only leads to more questions…. And oftentimes, life has its way of revealing all the truths… both in the right time and place… And I’d say it’s best to wait for that time…. Don’t press unto things that aren’t just ripe… Taking them forcefully before their season only produces bitter results rather than those sweet ones you aspired for…

Not that we have to really wait until the perfect fit comes along… Perfect if not impossible is very rare to come by… And oftentimes, they go as fast as they arrived… What I’m saying, maybe, is that we need to take the risks at times… make some compromises… eat our pride… set aside our egos… And maybe, at the end of the day, we’ll see the outcome to be worth the wait… the compromises and all the sacrifices… Maybe, it would even be better than what we’ve actually hoped for…

Life is a cycle of all the good and the bad, clinging unto one means resisting the cycle… Pressing unto a stop that we at times badly needed to contemplate on some things… But can we really hold on to that frozen moment? I guess not, a minutes later we’d fall unto all the bad things… But are they really that bad? Maybe, seeing life as a cycle of bad and good is wrong… Maybe its entirely a cycle of how we see things… Like when we push on to be at the top, we see the whole world… almost at our grasp… like everything would all be possible with where we are at that precise moment… gives that exhilarating experience of feeling that wind beneath our own wings…Then we moved on to the bottom, frown and fret over missing the prestige of being up there… But, did we ever thought… being under is a new way of seeing the world on that exact same ground… feeling its very own details… And maybe we never noticed, but there are times when we just need to feel something beneath our feet, too…

Just words… aren’t they?

Isn’t it funny how words can be played with?… How it can be twisted until such time that even those horrible words to say to someone can somehow sound like a compliment…  Sort of ironic how words can really play us… Until now, I still find it amazing how words can even vary in meaning… how one person will acknowledge them may also depend on the person saying them.  

Most regard words as simple tools to convey what one wants to convey to the other or to half of the world….  But to some, words can stand with and for their own meanings….  They can be literal… But…, again funny how people oftentimes digs for the meanings behind words…. Even when they ought to be taken at face value, we dig further until such time that we find a new meaning to it…  Funny but we somehow select what we want to hear, too… what meaning they ought to share… 

 But I sort of thought? Who gives meaning to words really?  Isn’t it that its the recipient or the person to whom we are addressing a certain speech, they are the ones giving meaning to those things we’re saying…  We only have the following within our control- that is how we compose our words and the manner of conveying them…. The strength we give to its syllables or stress points somehow alters the mood and somehow directs our listeners or readers to how they would take or understand our thoughts…  These can be anger, sympathy, joy , fear and all those emotions…  How words can stir those emotions….

 As much as possible, I wanted to avoid using strong words or whatever it is that may sound shallow or hollow, or worst is words that may sound dreadful…  I’ve read an article then that since we’ll never know when we are gonna eat our words, then we might as well keep them sweet…

 Just had this thought…. Thought of sharing it….

A trip to where….

I’ll tell you of something…every detail of that cut scene from nowhere of that which appeared as if a dynasty of lost fortitude amidst all this frenzy… Now, like all else, I’m vague… my voice became inaudible and my words extending beyond comprehension that no one would be able to make up of those wobbly noises coming from within the vast empty realm of my existence… Every reasons finally losing their sense and meaning in this self-created generation that everything turns to ambiguous profound text of solstice and melancholy… Such despair burning like it never did in all those centuries of my radiating dive to this oblivion of relentless storms of everyone dancing along this air I’m breathing… drenched in all these, I’m freezing… ‘Til all of me come to that point of numbness… It’s scary but its where I needed to be… It’s my test… a challenge every soul must go through to find that fire to break free from all these chills…

There, alas, found that light… looks near… yet every step I took towards it gets me further from it… I had to get there… Then I found myself running fast to be near it until it disappears from my horizon… I set back, it’s all the hope I have… Why? I’m giving everything up… As I free myself of everything… I float and dawdle in these endless depths of darkness… without any glow of hope… I knew now, it’s bound to this… then suddenly as all else diminished from my senses… I’m starting to feel the wind… It slowly touches my face… Realizing that, I looked back… Then looking forward I finally realized, this is a mirror of my past I’m looking at… I knew then that that light I’m chasing is in my past… I needed to go back… With everything that’s left of me… I rushed back and found everything I needed all along… Oftentimes, we get to that point where everything seemed right that we tend to hold unto it… Forgetting that everything changes and we may resist and now want it but it’s the way things were… coz if they never were? Where do we belong then… Should we even be here? Sometimes, people have to go forward and further beyond what their eyes can reach… further until everything else turn to past… However, here’s the cliché… Sometimes, we needed to go back to… We can sail further and even soar as high as the eagle… and yet even in these, we need to learn to go back… It’s tiring to be moving onwards and onwards… sometimes, we tend to look for the better ones… but hey, are you really up to it… Listen to the winds of fate… the waves of the past… maybe you’re bound for something else… so it’s then that you leave the sailing and that flight to those that need to… Yes… it’s a choice we make and in that choice, “choose to be happy”… In that choice, “look nowhere no longer, learn to look at your present… savor it… every second that goes with it..” Just who knows when you least expect it, the wind may whisper when it’s the right time… It’s not for you to know, rather its how the way it works… you leave it at that and ready yourself for the possibilities that lies ahead… Learn to close your eyes when you have to and use what’s left of your senses… sometimes, the message goes beyond what the eyes can see… it may be your ears to listen to it or your heart to dance in its rhythm… However, you need to learn to open your eyes, too, when needed… Eyes is use to see the truth… and sometimes, when everything else is all but lies, then closing them would be better for you to listen to the truth… This isn’t easy… and no one said it is an easy task… It’s a challenge… It’s a road we have to take… It’s not an option we have to choose coz this is exactly the way it is… No one is to follow.. No one is to lead… Its your path.. Its my path… its ours…

Had to…

For this entire day, I’ve been watching movies-one after another…  Going through those I’ve seen for more than once or twice…  Going over them again and remembering the entire experience when I first watched them caught me me thinking on one thing…  how people can be seen as pieces of a two-part puzzle, lock and key or the likes that can only be seen as complete when they found someone that just says everything they’ve been longing to hear their entire lives, touch them in a way that says their entire being is understood and is appreciated…  My apology for being so cheesy and all just like the Greenwich commercial that says “cheesy”…  But those realizations made me wait for that text message… Been waiting for it for almost a day and still none comes…  In a li’l while, it’ll be nightfall and without me noticing it’d be Saturday already….  Just now I realized how I got a lot of catching up to do…  It’s like a revolution…  It’s some sort of fire burning that if there’s something good that I get to see or feel from someone or somebody I know (coz it would be creepy if its from someone we don’t know, right?), I must tell or show them my appreciation and tell them how great or awesome that was…  Why deprived them of the right to hear or know of something positive… Just who knows if for that entire week that would be the first and last good thing that person will ever hear… You’ll never know the difference you’ve made in his/her life…  You’ll be leaving mark without you knowing…  but having said that, you’ll bring along with you the great feeling of being able to share a great thing…  Unfortunately, this don’t come near on how easy it is for us to spew criticisms and feel good about them saying that they are all constructive and that we’re meaning no harm or whatever…  But hey, lets listen to ourselves… Whom are we kidding actually?  Having a dose of these clutters more than what a person can usually handle can have more of destructive effects rather than us constructing his/her personality or growth…Until it borders to us taking that small space for some good thing in a person…  Til none’s left for something good…

This happens, coz, oftentimes, we only hear ourselves screaming to let go of all these stuffs we have between our ears that we don’t take into consideration that thing inside that person’s soul – that heart…  We’ll never understand other’s hearts if we keep on using our minds and ears to listen to them…  In as much we used the mind to understand others thoughts, we used our hearts to understand others feelings…  Yeah, have had my share, too, and I must say this is still going on in me until now…  And it would always be something that I can never be proud of…  Most of the time, we lack the initiative to make a balance of things – mind or heart, good or bad, sweet or bitter, dumb or clever and the likes…  We need to know and believe for ourselves, too, that people grow more if they are nourished rather than stepped unto…. People by nature are good… After all, the One who created us is Good, Great and Awesome!

So are we expecting bad to come out of something good?

Just ain’t working out (yet)…

Starting to feel like a real bum these past few days… Well, I’ve come to know that side of me since way back and have gotten used to it… But whew… I think other people are still not used to it… But I’m glad that a few does… But hey, does this ever happen to anyone? Y’know that phase when things just get too consuming that at one point or in a certain period of time you’d simply be so choosy of whom you associate yourself with… sort of selective when it comes to a lot of things… feeling half-full every morning that you know you can only take half of the dose of your usual intake of all of those life’s miseries and tantrums… This is exactly where I’m in at this precise period… Feeling all nostalgic and ridiculous about a lot of things makes me wander more in shallow waters of solitary thinking…

 But to give credit to them, too… I appreciate the concern and all… But sometimes showing them can be a bit creepy, too… sorry for the term but I can’t seem to find any other fitting term (hehehe)…  I’d love to feel that there are others concerned about me but to have someone that I feel like a total stranger (alright, we can remove the “total” word and it would still be the same, for me) showing concerns can be quite uncomfortable.  It grows and borders to being annoying when that person would eventually go as far as being nosy that I start to feel like “Hey!”

 To halt those minds from thinking things like “Why would I be a stranger to him while the rest are not?”  

 The answer? I don’t know, too… But I do recognized when I come across to a person and know that “hey, it feels like I knew this person from way back” or “Hey, I feel comfortable with this person”…  Maybe, it’s the characters and personalities that can simply pull two strangers together and push them to being “Hey, I knew this person well enough!”  That’s just a preconceived notion, though… After all, people are walking from different paths… they’d have different arguments in themselves and in as much as people can easily acquaint themselves to others, there are others that shy away from the crowd and can find company in another quiet soul, too… It’s a bit of not pushing yourself to another when you know you’ll only push him/her further from your reach… Things have a way of putting things together and sometimes, you need not to exert much of the effort… They simply fall into place in time…

Just a simple rule: “What works to one may never work to another!”

 Going back to wanting my space, I wish to do this and I can only hope that people would understand when I badly needed it… If I’m playful, then let me be… If I’m going overboard, then simply let me know…  

 This page ends right here….

If I Could…

If I could

I’d stay right there beside you

Right in this precious time

Just like those days…

 

If I could

I’d sing to you in your sleep

Hold and squeeze your hand

Like I never did before…

 

If I could

I’d gladly watch you all night

Smile with every breathing moment

As I’ve always dreamt of…

 

If I could

I’d lie down in bed each night

Hug you tight under that moonlight

Like I should’ve then…

 

But, Baby, for tonight…

I’m scared that I might not…

And it kills me more…

If I could not…

 

If I could still…

Make one whisper of love…

I’d tell you nothing but…

I love you…

More than I could have…

More than I would have…

 

Just for tonight…

Remember me last…

I’d love it that way…

Knowing you’ll always be okay!!!

nowhere…

Things went real great this time…

What happened is that I was able to meet up with this strange girl… Just across the corner of this food chain where i sat with my burger meal… she was there… and she waived… for a while, I thought I knew her then when she just won’t seem to cross my mind, I tried to look for anyone in my back that she might be waving her hand to… But I noticed there was none… I don’t know but in a minute she stood and came near me…

She said, “Hi! Ikaw yung dating nakatira sa _____, di ba?”

Knowing that, I felt convinced that well she might have seen me then and recognized me awhile ago… She then sat and placed her tray with a burger and a soda… I just smiled as I continued to munch on my food… After taking a gulp of my own soda, I said to her,

“Uhmm, nkikilala nga kita… anung name mu pla?

I said it out of nowhere since there really is nothing to talk about (and she just won’t register from my memory…)… Not that I’m really open to some chit chats, not with all the reports that I’m bound to do overnight, I actually gave in thinking that this won’t take long…

“Name is ____ (let’s just name her “Miss”)…

Just to reduce the risk hehehe… Really not fond of doing this but here’s something I feel like writing… like saying… Once we got there, she smiled and boomed to the pages of her history… Again, I’ve never been into this instant conversation wherein someone gets to be excessively indulgent and presto whew!?! Now I’m finding a difficult time sharing this… First we had some exchange of short stories… of what’s new… Then she pressed on to those topics of yesteryears… But… I don’t know but she made me ignore what I tasks I left at the office… for that entire 2 hours she had me for the taking!!! She moved on to almost every thing… from being serious to a real clown… It’s like she’s keeping me at the edge of my seat… Just after the first hour, she’s starting to fill my head… suddenly I find her words like music in my ears… found myself checking unto her face’s details…

she’s not that girl that every guy would even bet his life just for a single date… and she’s that typical girl that you might see from the corners of your eyes… meaning, her type is everywhere… But how she’s able to keep my attention and kept me wanting for more of her time is really astonishing… Right after that two hours, she said good bye… Her good bye, just like how she arrived was so sudden that I was pulled back… Now she said, see you again once I get to be back here in Makati… thanks for the chat… Wow!!! That was just weird… just when she’s filled all my senses… she ran away… And stupidly, I didn’t even get her number… all that she said filled my mind that entire night til today… Been thinking how to find her again, then since she knew me from Ilocos, it occurred to me that may be I can search her over my friendster account… maybe one of my friends knew her…

And alas, after an hour of browsing over hundreds of friends, I found her… guess what, her shoutout said “Good bye Philippines!!! My day of flight (April 16, 2009)!” Now that got me!!! I was taken aback… The way we talked that night felt like I’ve known her from wayback… like she’s from somewhere inside my head… I knew there was something right that time but I let it all go… Now I’m down to thinking of what to do… she’s the perfect stranger that knocked me up from nowhere and now… she’s exactly nowhere from my sight… from my grasp…

I need to sleep… it’s been great and now i’m not feeling well..